Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
