I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize