I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
