i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
