hotel room ftw
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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