I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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