Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
