i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
