please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i will never coherently bang her
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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