Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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