Pants 0. Shit 1.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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