I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
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