the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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