I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
