Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
