I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
