He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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