How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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