I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
