his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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