shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
