Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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