Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
