She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
