There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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