I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
