A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
