Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
