I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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