remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
there was a trapeze. enough said
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
