God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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