my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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