ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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