Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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