I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
