u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
