the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
