I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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