Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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