They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
