A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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