We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
