I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
