i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
