I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
