I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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