Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
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