You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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