my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
