got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize