How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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