those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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