I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
