Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
