apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
