its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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