God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize