dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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