she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
