And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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