I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
