im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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