Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I AM VODKA MAN
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
