I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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