Tell her she can't have a vagina
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
