went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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